Health and Safety Alert: Four Simple Steps for Taming the Toys

Illustration by Sherry L. Rodgers

This is a magical time of year.  Fueled by the seemingly endless onslaught of gifts, prizes and presents throughout the year, piles of small and manageable pile miraculously transform into 10,000-armed octopuses, capable of bringing down unsuspecting parents and kids in a matter of seconds.  As the beasts slither from room to room, injuries range from Band-Aid worthy boo-boos to broken toes and collarbones.  Victims of the Stockholm syndrome, kids often defend the creatures with tooth-and-nail.  Parents, meanwhile, feel helpless against the uninvited guest, not knowing how or when the best mode of attack should be.  Recent studies, however, have determined the best course of actions to follow upon confronting the 10,000-armed monster.  First, starve the beast.  These octopuses thrive on old, unused, forgotten or broken toys.  Kid’s meals “toys” in general are particularly dangerous, as they are considered a delicatessen amongst their kind.  By removing these hazards from your home (best done at night, while the beast sleeps), half of the battle is already completed.  Second, introduce the creature’s natural predators, new and exciting, well-built toys.  The high levels of energy given off by these toys are toxic to the octopuses, leading to their quick demise.  Recommended toys include Cuboro and the Playmobil Pyramid, as their smart design and intellectual prowess are no are no match for the beast.  Introducing these predators during the holiday season, when unused toys reach their prime, is particularly effective.  Third, be vigilant in your fight against the creature.  Remove unused toys and introduce new toys on regular basis.  Stay clear of cheaply made toys and tempt not the monster with copious amounts of kid’s meals toys.  Last of all, for up-to-date information on preventative measures and extermination techniques check back here, www.aperfectplayroom.com, for updates.